No Words, Except Ouch.

So I just got a pretty rough blow to the ego. My dad has been talking about moving to NC…it’s a long story. My aunt and uncle were talking about moving there and then my grandparents wanted to go too and now my dad is thinking about it. Originally, I said I would also go. This was about a month or so ago. Today it came up again and I told my dad that I wouldn’t go up there if they all moved. I went to UCF and dropped out a few years ago. It took a lot of effort to get re-accepted, it’s taken a lot of hard work to get my GPA back up so that I’m no longer on academic probation. All while being his caregiver with zero help from any family no less. His response was basically “Well, it’s probably about time you got a job anyways.” “I’ve been accommodating you for quite a while and it’s funny, my therapist and I were just talking about how I shouldn’t be doing that.” “I need to live my own life too and you should be living yours.” “A main reason we even moved from Georgia to Florida was because of your drinking problem and we needed to get you out of that environment, you’ve been sober for a while now so you’d probably be fine on your own now.”

Well. I guess I’m not as much of a caregiver as I thought. Long story short, I was told we left Georgia and came to Florida because the healthcare for him was better and we’d be closer to family. Yes, I had a serious drinking problem and yes, being here has helped. The real reason I got clean and sober though was because my sister wasn’t living with us anymore and I needed to grow the fuck up so I could take care of my dad. I had no idea he felt like he was “accommodating,” me. I don’t pay rent, but three times a year when I get my financial aid from UCF I give him about 1,000 – 1500 so that’s at least 3,000 to 4,000 a year, I mow, edge and blow our relatively large St. Augustine grass lawn which he shouldn’t do, I clean the litter box which he isn’t supposed to do. I walked him through two major back surgeries and a heart attack, I pretty much renovated the house we moved into because it was falling apart. (Seriously, probably saved him 10k worth of renovations by doing it myself and still keep up with repairs if something goes wrong that he wouldn’t be able to do himself. Or could but with a lot of stress on his body with the chemo, more than he should have.) I started a small at home business so I don’t require any financial assistance from him. I pay my own bills, I buy things for the house when needed, I give him an extra hundred dollars here and there if I can…

I just…I don’t know. I don’t know where this is coming from. He wasn’t angry or upset. He just said it all so matter of factly and kept saying “now don’t get upset like you always do, I’m just telling you.” And kept saying “I don’t care being alone, I’m fine with it. If I want to move to the middle of nowhere by myself then that’s what I’ll do.”

I don’t really even know what to feel to be honest. I’m not sure if I should be angry and insulted that I’m not appreciated and needed or relieved that I’m not needed and that if I want to I can say forget it then, take care of yourself. I’m out! And move closer to campus and make my life easier. But then what? He’s supposed to start a new chemo probably this week and we don’t know what the side effects could be. Honestly, I just hate to see him go through this alone. Maybe it’s just better that he does.

I don’t know. I just don’t fucking know. The main issue is I thought I was taking care of him and this whole time he’s felt like he’s been taking care of me.

C. Brooks

UPDATE – THE NEXT DAY: So this morning my dad actually apologized and felt he came off as “too harsh,” and that the things he said weren’t “really what he was trying to convey,” so I’m not exactly sure what it is he was trying to convey at all now. lol I suppose the lesson I’ve learned is that you’re going to have your ups and downs, miscommunications, frustrations and all that good stuff. It’s the first real falling out we’ve had in probably a year or so. Maybe it was about time for it. I told him he really didn’t offend me that much and I sort of left it at that. My dad rarely apologizes so for him to do so was kind of a big deal. I was mostly confused to be honest. The confusion lead to frustration which lead to fear and fear is a manifestation of anger. I didn’t want to be angry though. I don’t believe I have the luxury of being angry, I, we, don’t have the time if you think about it. Either way, for now it seems the battlegrounds have been silenced and the white flags have been risen so that’s a plus. I’ll take what I can get for now since classes are starting today and he’s probably starting Daratumumab (Darzalex) tomorrow as well and I need to have my head screwed on straight.

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