I Just Want My Balls

Balls. Big balls, little balls, balls come in all kinds of shapes and sizes. Some are important and some are not. Some are squishy and some are hard. Some are used for procreation and some are used for recreation. Some are used as 15% of my grade in Biopsychology at UCF.

Now that I hopefully have your attention, the course is Biopsychology which is a branch of psychology that analyzes how the brain, neurotransmitters, and other aspects of our biology influence our behaviors, thoughts, and feelings. Our professor makes it a point of creating an assignment where every few weeks since it is an online course, we have to upload a video of ourselves showing our progress learning how to juggle, balls. He states there are several reasons for this, some related to the course, some just because he feels everybody should have a sense of “pride and accomplishment knowing they did something difficult they didn’t think they would be able to do.”

Oh Balls.

Like most dedicated, hardworking college students out there, I waited until the last minute to do this and found three balls on amazon for the low, low, price of only 9.99 with FREE overnight shipping on Wednesday evening if I had my balls shipped to the Amazon@UCF pickup center. Sold! The assignment was due yesterday (Friday the 1st) at 11:59 PM and I figured, this is gonna be perfect, I have class on campus at 3:00 on Thursday, I’ll stroll on in to the pickup center before class, grab my balls and get on out of there.

Unfortunately there was one slight hiccup in my plan. See, UCF closes up shop the second Thursday of the fall semester every year for some dumb ass football game so we college hooligans can tailgate, get drunk, watch our team (usually get slaughtered but this time I believe they won, I dunno, I don’t care I don’t like football) play and they just don’t have any classes after 1:00 that day. So of course, nobody really goes to class, everybody drinks starting at about 9:00 am, parking is insane, there’s probably about 20,000-30,000 students on campus with more police officers and deputies I had ever seen in my life and all I wanted was to get my balls.

So, my class was cancelled, I totally forgot about that and therefore I had no reason to even make the 45 minute drive to Orlando. I had already made lunch plans with my brother though, again, I had forgot about the cancelled classes so I therefore did have a reason to be in Orlando after all and figured “How bad could it possibly be?”

Well it was bad, worse than bad balls kinda bad. It was worse than I could ever have imagined. I begged, pleaded with any and every deputy, police officer, campus security guard that I could that I just needed to get to the campus strip mall so I could pick up my balls but they weren’t having it. The only way I could pick up my 9.99 balls would be if I paid 20.00 to park halfway across the campus, walk there, pick up my balls and make the journey back to my car, balls in hand and then make a hasty retreat through a maze of drunken fraternity boys, sorority girls….well I can deal with them at least and have at least a day and a half to try and make it look as if I had been playing with my balls for the two weeks that I should have been in the first place.

I finally just said to one of the officers “Sir, can you just be straight up with me, it’s not gonna happen is it? I’m not getting my balls today am I?” he looked slightly bewildered at my question and just responded with “No, um, I uh, I don’t think you’ll be getting any balls today?” Weird, pretty unprofessional. I asked if he could give me a ride over to the UCF strip mall since I WAS a paying customer after all so I could get my balls and he started to pick up his radio so I just said never mind I would take care of it myself and drove away. It was at that point when I really started to get pissed off. At a red light, somebody threw a football, they probably being in a drunken stupor didn’t catch it and it hit my car. All I could do was just sit there and wait for the light to turn green. It wasn’t even worth getting into a confrontation over on school property. My car is pretty old, it has its fair share of scrapes and bruises so I figured a little love dent from a football wouldn’t be a big deal. Besides, it had it the ground a few times already and couldn’t have had that much velocity and power by the time it made contact. Of course, about 30 bystanders were laughing their asses off. Balls. All because of some stupid balls. I hate balls.

In the end, I learned a valuable lesson. Think ahead, don’t procrastinate, if you need something, get it right away. My 9.99 balls ended up costing me probably about 45.00 after tolls and driving around the campus about three times trying to see if I could park in some little nook or cranny for just a few minutes to go inside and pick up my balls.

In the end it worked out. Friday morning, I drove to campus even though I didn’t have any classes, went to the Amazon pickup location, got my balls, went home and made the stupid video of me looking like a moron playing with my balls to upload for the class.

Balls. Juggling Balls.

C. Brooks

P.S. The video actually turned out pretty cool. I used iMovie to add the intro like they use in Star Wars with the yellow font at an angle moving away from you with my name and course info etc. I hope they got a good laugh at it…probably laughed harder at my attempt to juggle my balls. I’ll upload it eventually. I can’t right now because it’s still pending grading.

4 thoughts on “I Just Want My Balls

  1. Alicia

    LMFAO!!! I’m glad I didn’t read this in the middle of the night while my husband was sleeping, which is usually when I play with my phone and/or computer. Because I’m sitting here quite literally cracking up, and Mark is looking at me like I’ve lost my mind…which maybe I already have. I so needed to read this after the lousy emotional roller coaster week it’s been around here. Thank you for that. Also thank you for the PS description of the video. Even if you had posted it here by now, I’d have needed that. You may already know from the FB group that I am blind, so I’d have missed those details if not for your description. Additionally, I now have the AC/DC song Big balls in my head. So do you have the biggest balls of all?


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