I’ve already been through hell. A post for Caregivers and Addicts and, eh, for anybody really.

So three days ago I was about to lose my freakin’ mind. You might need to backtrack a little bit on that one to really understand what was happening at the time. Go ahead, this post won’t be going anywhere…okay, welcome back.

So, Tuesday morning I had a study group for an important quiz in Statistical Methods of Psychology and then class later on in the day. Well, I’ll be a wild grey goose in a potato field, I forgot my handy dandy special calculator that we have to buy specifically for this course. No big deal right? Well yeah, it is because Tuesday was the day that the professor was going to actually teach us how to use this complex piece of human engineering.

Not only that, the entire lesson that day was completely based on using this marvel of mathematical achievement. I tried to explain that mine was in some waterproof container stacked away in a maze of hurricane supplies I had yet to unpack (I really just forgot it on my desk but I was a desperate man) and asked a few of the TA’s if I could borrow one of theirs but unfortunately none of them had brought theirs that day. I call BS but whatever. Well fructose my life. To be honest, I’m actually somewhat surprised at how well I’m keeping up in this class even in the position I’m in. Or that I’m keeping up at all…I’ve been spending almost every spare minute I can studying for this dumb donkey ass class. Anyways, we had a review (voluntary) for the first quiz and the TA who taught it asked for us to be “involved,” even if we weren’t sure we were correct in our answers so she could really know what was going on and what she needed to focus on so we could be successful on the quiz. So, I just belted out whatever answer I thought was correct and holy helicopter, I was right about 90% of the time. I even said an analogy for one of the theories we were using and she complimented me and said she’d never thought of it that way but asked if she could steal it and use it in the future!

Folks, I’m a keep this short and sweet.

Right now, I am totally overwhelmed. I have probably 12 assignments due in the next two weeks, 8 alone in the next three days and I’m only taking two courses. I got a notice saying I may not be able to receive any more financial aid because I’ve maxed out my loan amounts, I’m in the middle of a never ending bankruptcy that for whatever reason I seem to keep dragging out…just seems so damn scary standing in front of a judge admitting you don’t know how to spend money…I’ve got important decisions about my family and my dad that I need to make and sobriety is always a constant struggle. I feel like my life is just one day of hell after another.

But, and there’s a big ol’ but and I cannot lie…

I have already been through hell. This is nothing compared to being picked up by EMT’s off of my kitchen floor after overdosing on painkillers and being bright to the hospital nearly dead.

I have already been through hell. I’ve spent 30+ days three or four times in rehabs with people that I would probably walk across the street just to avoid if I saw them coming towards me in public.

I have already been through hell. I’ve spent days on end in hospitals watching my dad throw up time and time again and cringe and almost weep in agony and have a heart attack in front of me while I stood there helplessly, hoping he wouldn’t die.

I have already been through hell. I have woken up time and time again having to look out my window to see if my car was there because I don’t remember if I drove myself home the night before or not. Feeling physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally bankrupt.

I have already been through hell. I woke up one morning being told my mother passed away when I was only 13 from an accident that I thought was my fault when it clearly wasn’t and had nobody to tell me otherwise for almost two decades of my life.

I am still here folks. I’m still a caregiver. I am still a son. I am still a student and the hardest parts are over. All I have to do now is focus, stay positive and keep a cool head.

The world has already tried to destroy me and I am still here. As caregivers or addicts, or hell as an everyday normal freaking person, it’s easy to wake up every day and think, “Well world, what have ya got for me today? How f’in bad is it gonna be today? What fresh hell are ya gonna throw at me today?” But we’re still here. We’re still fighting the good fight. Stay positive, Your past may not be like mine but it doesn’t matter. Everybody struggles with something. Everybody hurts and feels and needs a helping hand now and then and you are still here.

Just remember, you are never, ever alone and nor am I.

C. Brooks

3 thoughts on “I’ve already been through hell. A post for Caregivers and Addicts and, eh, for anybody really.

  1. Alicia

    OK, I know this post was way serious, but parts of it still had me rolling. “I’ll be a
    wild grey goose in a potato field,” “fructose my life,” and “Holy helicopter!” So the TA wanted to use your analogy, and now I want to use some of these expressions. see what a good influence you are? But ok, to the serious shit. Thanks for writing this. I’ve been through a different kind of hell than you, but hell nonetheless. I think you’ve guessed that by some of my comments. Sometimes it’s a good reminder to ourselves that we’ve already been through stuff that would have broken a lot of people, and it hasn’t broken us. It’s been hell, but we’re still here, still living, still fighting. Thanks for that reminder. Thinking of you today, and wishing you strength for all the stuff you have going on!

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  2. Thanks Alicia lol I’m kinda trying to keep the language a little bit cleaner so I can maintain/reach out to a larger audience I guess but at the same time I blog how I talk and although I don’t swear a lot, when I blog I do! It’s just my outlet ya know? Anyways, thanks for the comment! I’m slammed right now. I think I have six more assignments due by midnight and I think I’ve also got hurricane PTSD. I’ll blog about that tomorrow probably once all these assignments have been turned in.

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    1. Alicia

      I’ve heard it said that it takes more creativity to avoid cussing than to do it, so while I have no problem with those kinds of words, your expressions show the truth of it. It did probably take more creativity to come up with that, and it’s certainly amusing. Hope you’ve gotten the worst of your six assignments done.

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