So, some things happened and they’re currently still “under investigation.” I wish I could talk about it but I can’t. I will when I can because the situation just sucks. I’m not in trouble but my conscience sure is taking a beating. At what point do you decide “I have to do (fill in the blank)” because it’s the right thing to do even though you could just let it go, pretend it never happened and move on with your life? You’d feel guilty for a while, your conscience would probably bother you, eventually you’d most likely forget about it but deep down you’d know that you let something happen that shouldn’t have.
I hate moral dilemmas and even more than that I hate having my integrity questioned. By myself. When others question my integrity I don’t really care because it’s usually a ridiculous situation that I know full well I firmly stand for an honorable, noble or “right,” cause. But when I question my own integrity, motives, actions, weigh out the consequences and really take a deep look at who I am and what I stand for, it’s much more difficult.
Luckily, this doesn’t happen often. Unfortunately, I’ve been struggling with it for quite some time now and today, tomorrow, yesterday, not really sure when will be the breaking point and decisions will have to be made.
I suppose this is part of adulting? This is part of sobriety? This is part of being a functional part of society? I mean, in the past week alone I’ve called 911 twice because of a drunk driver who was literally about running people off the road and another time because two old folks seemingly couldn’t figure out how car lights work. I thought maybe it was a silver alert or something. They were booking it at about 90 mph, no rear lights and they were flashing their high beams on and off constantly. Freakin’ Florida drivers, I swear to God.
I’ve done a lot of “bad,” a lot of wrong, a lot of misdeeds in my life and lord knows I try to make up for what I’ve done in my past. To be honest I’m not sure I can ever make amends to society in general but I feel I can at the very least try and make good one situation at a time. I just don’t know if I’m making good right now. It’s not about me, it’s not about right or wrong it’s about integrity, it’s about truth, honor and fairness.
It’s about having a clean conscience and I didn’t have one for over a decade. I don’t want that feeling anymore. Isn’t that okay?