The first “F” I might actually be proud of

I can honestly say that I have never studied so hard in my god damn life. Really, no exaggeration here. This fucking class. This mother fucking class. There were two questions that no matter how many times I reworked the question, re-did the math, re-did the numbers thinking I had made a mistake somewhere, none of the fucking answers matched anything on the multiple choice answer bank. I just don’t get it. Two of the six main formulas on the exam – just didn’t work. I finished the other four with probably half an hour to spare. I have worked other questions with the same formulas and on average would take me maybe 3-5 minutes. I just don’t get it. I’m still waiting for the results but most likely I’ll have to drop the class in order to save my GPA.

I keep hoping that maybe there was something wrong with the exam, maybe there was an error or something but the reality is professors don’t make mistakes when putting an exam together. I had to have done something wrong.

It’s easy to feel sorry for myself so I keep trying to look at the positive. Things do happen for a reason, I’ve always stood by that argument so as much as this does suck big ol’ monkey balls, I have to hope that there is a larger force at work. Something bigger than myself. Then I say fuck that I just want to pass this damn class.

I’ve never been so dedicated to anything in my life, I’ve pushed and I’ve continued even though I knew the odds were not in my favor. I just needed to do well on these two exams today and things would have changed dramatically in my favor for the rest of the semester and it’s possible that my grade will be higher than I think but the reality is that it is very unlikely.

I suppose if the inevitable does happen, it will happen for a reason and I can take some solace in that. I did everything I could possibly do to create a positive outcome. There are times when I will say that I did, I tried, I fought but deep down I know that I could’ve maybe tried a little harder. This isn’t one of those times. I fought, I tried my best but it’s possible my best just wasn’t enough and I guess I will have to accept that failure is ok. It’s not what I wanted or expected but it’s not because I was drunk, or high, or negligent. It’s not because I was irresponsible or fucking around. It just didn’t work out. It could’ve been a single slip of the hand and I typed in the wrong number once, twice, maybe three times in one or two problems.

I think more importantly as much as it sucks, this is actually the first time I will fail a class (if I fail but I’m just being a realist here) that I did it because sometimes people just fail. I showed up, every fucking day, sober, clean, I fought my god damn heart out but it just “wasn’t.”

Maybe in a way it’s almost a failure I can be proud of. Most of the things I failed I deserved. This one I think I earned. I don’t think that’s anything to be ashamed of.

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