Well Didn’t Take Long

My dad is back from his NH trip and first thing this morning –

Why are my plants dead? I told you to water them (I watered them. I have no control over mother nature.)

What are you going to do with your life? You just sleep and do nothing all day. (Funny, I study a lot and I actually do have a small company that I run even if he doesn’t see it that way.)

I might be moving back to Georgia, where are you going to go if I do? You cause me more stress than anything and I can’t keep worrying about you so you need to figure out what you’re going to do. (I’m really sorry that I helped you through four major surgeries and a heart attack. I’ll be sure to find somewhere to go asap. I had no idea I was such a burden.)

I don’t understand how you can be so lazy. Your cousin works 100 hours a week and goes to school and wipes his ass with gold toilet paper. (Maybe because I’m not him and I’m not fucking perfect. I’m going based on the speed at which I discussed with my college advisor based on my previous academic success. Not sure when he forgot that we discussed this.)

What do you even do all day? Have you just given up? I can’t deal with this. You failed one class and now it’s like it’s the end of the world. You need to get your act together. (Yes. I have given up. Whenever you try and “motivate me,” you pretty much just kill my spirit but you think you don’t need a caregiver when you do. If you’re that sure you don’t need one then fine, I’ll accept that but I can’t come back when the shit hits the fan. I’m putting MY life on hold too here you know.)

Why didn’t you mow the lawn? The grass is so tall the lawn mower can’t mow it now. (It’s a goddamn lawn mower. It’s what it fucking does.)

Welcome to the life of a caregiver. Underappreciated, undervalued and the toll it takes on you emotionally is never really seen by the people who need to see it the most. The depression, the anxiety, the worry, the constant fear that something is going to go wrong, yeah, it really fucks with your head after a while.

I think I’m done. If he wants to die alone then that is up to him. I won’t be apart of it though. I can’t keep doing this and I can’t take this kind of emotional and mental abuse. I don’t expect a son of the year award but understanding the difficulty that goes along with living with somebody who has terminal cancer is so important for their own mental wellbeing. Today I was notified that I am simply a burden. A financial, emotional, mental and physical pain in the ass who apparently has given up on life. The truth is that yes, a lot of that is true. The real truth is I think that while I wanted to offer my dad friendship and companionship during a very difficult time, it burned me out so bad that there was a pendulum or seesaw effect. Instead of constantly staying one step ahead of him and doing my part to keep things running around here like a well oiled machine, his negativity and lack of understanding of my own mental health needs has caused me to slip into the role of the patient, not the caregiver.

I contacted the local Air Force Recruiting Center to see if I could enlist but due to my financial issues (debt) and mental health issues (depression and ADHD) it’s unlikely I’ll be able to be accepted. I’d rather fly a mission over fucking Baghdad than continue to deal with this bullshit. Besides, I scored a 94 on the ASVAB which does help make me a somewhat of a commodity when enlistment numbers are low.

So fuck it all. I’ve lost my health insurance, I can’t afford my medications, I just want to sleep. A long, deep sleep that lasts until this is all over with. I wish I could be the perfect son that my dad has always wanted but it just isn’t so. The son that’s here though, the son that’s trying to help, the son who wanted to try and make a difference in his dying father’s life is just about over it. His other son who hasn’t lifted a finger, maybe he can help. He’s the perfect one, or the sister who lives thousands of miles away and moved AFTER his diagnosis, maybe she can help.

This son is just sick and tired.

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