Well, that was an interesting few months. I had to drop Statistical Methods of Psychology because it just wasn’t going to happen. At the very best I *might* have been able to pull out of the class with a C but seeing as how it’s one of the few classes that grad programs look at, it was better for me to drop it at the last minute and try again this semester. So, I’m back with it again and it’s funny how much I actually DO know. So much review. I feel like a genius compared to the newbs in the class.
Christmas and thanksgiving was nice. My dad went up to NH for Thanksgiving so I just kinda took it easy and did my own thing at home by myself. And by myself I mean alone but not lonely. It was a welcomed break having some downtime. Christmas was great, lots of time with family and all.
Funny thing happened too. So, my brother and his wife kept repeatedly talking about having lunch and them needing to leave Orlando at about 1:00 to get to my sister-in-laws house for dinner with her side of the family. Seeing as how my brother is a pastor, they wouldn’t even be done with church until about 11:30. Well, this pissed my dad off to no end because it would’ve meant maybe an hour at most to open presents and have Christmas lunch/dinner with his grandkids. I KNEW something just wasn’t right. It didn’t seem like my brother, although slightly distant and what feels like even indifferent at times about my dads situation (this could very well be his last Christmas but more on that later) I just couldn’t accept the fact that he’d give his wife’s family preference and the whole day vs only giving him an hour or two at most for Christmas.
He was livid. It was so uncomfortable but I kept thinking…this can’t be right…there must be a miscommunication but even I talked to my brother about the time frame and it felt like that’s what was going to happen. They show up Christmas morning and low and behold, they said they only wanted to have lunch before 1:00 because they knew my niece and nephew would’ve been stuck at church all morning and they would be hungry. My dad didn’t buy it but I was just fine with it. Alls well that ends well.
At the moment, I’m not sure exactly how I feel about what’s going on. I feel unmotivated. Lacking in empathy or sympathy for just about anything including my dad. I feel like I’m ready to explore and get a job and have a nice car again. I want to date and be out on my own but I know I’m still a caregiver. Even more-so now than ever. My dad’s had a nasty cold that just won’t seem to go away and that typically is an “ender,” for people with multiple myeloma. I’m smoking pot again, leaving the house for no reason and I’ll just drive around, walk around the mall for no reason…anything but do what I should be doing.
On top of that, my dad’s mood, personality and outlook has changed dramatically. He’s all of a sudden Mr. Negative. I mean, he’s never really been a peach to be around (unless he was putting on a show for family/friends. He’s a master at that like I am.) but now it just feels like almost every single thing that comes out of his mouth is negative. Complaining about this or that. Things that really don’t even matter. Politics, religion, people driving! Being an empath, I soak up this energy and I’ve gotten better at blocking it but I have to wonder if it’s part of the reason I’m retreating to anywhere but being around him.
A long time ago, I realized the best way I could probably cope with this experience was to treat it as just that. An experience. It’s not permanent, it’s not my life, it’s not anything I can control or change so the best thing I could do in my mind would be to write about it, explore what it feels like both good and bad and try to understand the human condition more. Especially death and how one deals with it. I know this may sound crass or uncaring but it’s just how my mind works. It’s also the best way I can protect myself from a goddamn nervous breakdown.
So, after a short break from blogging, I’m back. I have a better mindset even if it is slightly confusing at the moment. I look back at the last semester and the biggest thing I noticed that I didn’t like about myself was my inability to handle stress. Now, when I look back, I wonder what the hell I got all crazy about. Why all the yelling, the cognitive dissonance and putting so much emphasis on things that didn’t matter. So I had to drop stats, so what. I’m taking it again. No big deal. My dad had a wicked cold not too long ago and was fine, no big deal. Money comes and money goes…again…no big deal. I survive, that’s what I do.